Screwing a Light Bulb
by Kwokinator
Summary: There's a broken light bulb in the Tendo Household...


This is inspired by the "How many characters does it take to screw a   
light bulb" fic I found on fanfiction.net, and the excellent "Scenes  
from Nerima" series.  
  
Screwing a Light Bulb  
by Kwokinator  
------------  
  
Akane: Ranma! Come here and fix this light bulb!  
  
Ranma: No way, you uncute tomboy! Go fix it yourself!  
  
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!   
  
Akane looked like she was about to inflict a large amount of bodily   
harm on Ranma, while Ranma looked for some possible means of escape.   
Kasumi came out of the kitchen.  
  
Kasumi: Oh my! Can you help fix the light bulb, Ranma-kun?  
  
Ranma: No problem, Kasumi!  
  
Akane: (angrily) Why do you say yes right away when Kasumi asks but   
not when I ask?  
  
Ranma: Because I don't listen to uncute tomboys! That's why!  
  
After prying himself out of the newly-made hole in the ground, he took   
the light bulb from Kasumi and looked at the ceiling. He kept looking   
back and forth, back and forth for about a minute.  
  
  
Kasumi: Oh my! You have trouble fixing it, Ranma-kun?  
  
Ranma: Hey, no problem! I'm the best there is! Ain't no stupid   
light bulb can get in my way! How tough can it be to change a light   
bulb?  
  
Twenty minutes later...  
  
Ranma: Damn it! Stupid light bulb! Go IN! IN you stupid light bulb!  
  
Akane: (snorts) Having trouble, Ranma?  
  
Ranma: Shut up, you uncute tomboy! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! GO IN   
YOU STUPID BULB!  
  
He failed again.  
  
Ranma: DAMN IT! Moko Takabisha!  
  
The resulting ki blast was about as big as Akane's chest.  
  
Akane: Not so confident, are we?  
  
Ranma: Shut up! Lemme think!  
  
Ranma went to the dojo and pondered on how to screw in the light bulb,   
where he stayed for the next three days. Finally, he comes out.  
  
Ranma: HAHAHAAHA! I'm a genius!  
  
Ranma screws in the ligh bulb after only a few seconds.  
  
Ranma: I'm so good!  
  
Nabiki: (dryly) Yes, it only took you four days to figure out how to   
screw a light bulb. What a genius.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Akane: Ryoga-kun, can you change the light bulb for me?  
  
Ryoga: Of course, Akane-san! Anything you say!  
  
Akane: Here it is, come here.  
  
Ryoga: No problem!   
  
Ryoga walked out of the house.  
  
Akane: (shaking her head) I should have known.  
  
A week later...  
  
Akane: Ryoga-kun! You're back! You're still in time to change the   
light bulb!  
  
Ryoga: (amazed) I am?  
  
Akane: Yeah, the stupid jerk won't do it.  
  
Ryoga: (sees Ranma in the backyard, and got furious) DAMN YOU Ranma!   
HOW DARE YOU REFUSE Akane-SAN'S REQUEST!  
  
Ranma: Come and get me, porky!  
  
Ryoga runs out to the backyard, then promptly fell into the koi pond.  
  
Akane: (brightens) P-Chan! How'd you get here!  
  
Akane hugs P-chan close to her bosom, causing Ryoga to pass out from   
bloodloss. As soon as Akane loosens her grip, P-chan escapes.  
  
Ten minutes later...  
  
Akane: Where did you go, Ryoga-kun?  
  
Ryoga: Um... I...er...  
  
Ranma: He got lost.  
  
Ryoga: I DIDN'T GET LOST!  
  
Ranma: (smirks) Then where'd you go?  
  
Ryoga: (grumbles) I got lost.  
  
Akane: It doesn't matter. Now that you're here, you can fix the   
light bulb.  
  
Ryoga: (takes the light bulb) No problem. I've changed plenty of   
light bulbs before.  
  
He tries unsuccessfully for an hour.  
  
Ryoga: DAMN IT! Shishihokodan!  
  
He leveled the house.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ranma: Akane, it's your turn to change the light bulb.  
  
Akane: (yells from the kitchen) No problem! Just let me finish this.  
  
Ranma: (pales) I'd rather you do it now.  
  
Akane: (angry) I said I'll do it later!  
  
Ranma: (resigned) Okay.  
  
Two hours and A LOT of banging later...  
  
Akane: All done! Now eat this Ranma!  
  
She holds out a dish of black tar-looking...things.  
  
Ranma: What's this?  
  
Akane: It's fried eggs!  
  
Ranma: (wonders) Aren't eggs supposed to be yellow and not black?  
  
Akane: Well, I thought that it's boring that it's always yellow, so I   
chopped up some coal and mixed it in.  
  
Ranma pokes it. It souned as if he was knocking on a door.  
  
Ranma: Why does it sound like that?  
  
Akane: (ponders) I don't know... could it be the coal that I added?   
Nah, that's just color. The baking soda? No way. It's used for   
baking! The newspaper?  
  
Ranma: NEWSPAPER?! Why did you put newspaper when you cook eggs?!  
  
Akane: (not hearing) Kerosene? No, that only speeds it up. I know   
that I got the time right, it said cook for 5 minutes, but it's raw,   
so I cooked for an hour so it should be safe... The chlorine? No, the   
swimming pools use it, so can we!  
  
Ranma sweatdrops, and starts to move away slowly.  
  
Akane: (notices when Ranma moved one milimeter) Eat it!  
  
She scooped up a spoonful and shoved it into Ranma's mouth. Ranma   
turned green, then blue, purple, and soon his face had all the colors   
of a rainbow. He passes out.  
  
Akane: How dare you insult my cooking, you baka!   
  
She picks up the unconscious Ranma and slammed him multiple times into   
the floor.  
  
Akane: Now I'll go change the light bulb!  
  
She looks at the light bulb in puzzlement.  
  
Akane: What a strange thing! This fits (points to the ceiling) in   
there?  
  
Ranma: (groans) Of course, it does, where else?  
  
Akane: But the ceiling is flat!  
  
Ranma facefaulted.  
  
Ranma: Take out the other light bulb first.  
  
Akane: Okay.  
  
Akane started pulling on the light bulb. She kept pulling on it with   
all her might, but it doesn't budge. Ranma DOES hear the ceiling   
creaking though.  
  
Ranma: (nervously) I think you need to turn it.  
  
Akane: (angry) Why didn't you tell me earlier, baka!  
  
Ranma: (thinking for a change) It slipped my mind.  
  
Akane: Don't do it again.  
  
Akane finally removes the light bulb.  
  
Akane: (gleefully) Look, Ranma! I got the light bulb off!  
  
Ranma: (fake enthusiasm) Good job! Now get the other light bulb in!  
  
Akane: How do I do that?  
  
Ranma facefaulted.  
  
Ranma: Just do it the same way you removed the first one!  
  
Akane started turning the light bulb, but it didn't work since she   
was turning the same way as when she removed it.  
  
Akane: LIGHT BULB NO BAKA!  
  
She takes out her mallet and smashed the light bulb into itty-bitty   
pieces.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Akane: Fix the light bulb, Nabiki-oneechan.  
  
Nabiki: Not a problem. 5000 yens please.  
  
Akane grumbles but hands over the money.  
  
Nabiki: Thank you! (turns to Ranma) Ranma, go fix the light bulb.  
  
Ranma: Why me! YOU'RE the one who got the money!  
  
Nabiki: I'll cancel half your debt!  
  
Ranma: Still no.  
  
Nabiki: Fine. (turns to Ryoga) Ryoga, go fix the light bulb.  
  
Ryoga: Why me?  
  
Nabiki: I know some one who would love to eat some pork chops...  
  
Ryoga: (pales) Alright, I'll do it.  
  
Nabiki: (smiles) I knew you'd see it my way.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Nabiki: Dad, you have to fix the light bulb.  
  
Soun: (wails) WAAAAAAAAH! My daughter is telling her father to fix a   
light bulb! Oh the humanity! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ranma: Pop, go change the ligh bulb.  
  
Genma: You ungrateful boy! You should be a man among men and do this   
for your father!  
  
Ranma: No way! You have to do it!  
  
Genma: (pretends to be crying) Oh! My ingrate son is yelling at his   
father to do work! What cruelty!  
  
Ranma: (cracks his knuckles) Do it or else, old man.  
  
Genma: (takes a kettle out of nowhere and splashes himself) I'm just   
an innocent panda!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Akane: Kasumi-oneechan, can you fix the light bulb?  
  
Kasumi: (beams) Of course, Akane-chan!  
  
Akane: Thanks!  
  
Kasumi: Don't mention it.  
  
Kasumi looks at the light bulb in puzzlement.  
  
Kasumi: Well, Mr. Light Bulb, since I don't know how to change you,   
I would appreciate it if you go screw yourself. (pun intended) ^_^  
  
The light bulb obediently walked over and screwed itself in, since   
nobody can say no to Kasumi.  
  
Author's Note  
------------  
I can be reached at kwokinator@animefanfics.com  
Or come to the discussion forum at   
http://www.delphi.com/ranma_fanfics/start 


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